58 The Incident of the Car and the Coffeemaker
by Shifteraei
Summary: SHIELD Recruit Survival Tip #58 All recruits are advised not to lean on or otherwise touch Mr. Stark's cars without his express approval. Nobody wants to see him start destroying coffeemakers as retribution.


**Disclaimer: The terrible, terrible things I would do, if I owned Avengers ;)**

**Author's Note: This is the first in a new series I am starting, inspired by the tumblr thing, SHIELD Recruit Survival Tips. Look them up, they're hilarious. This was beta-ed by SecretDime, who is brilliant. Any remaining mistakes are all mine. ALL MINE I TELL YOU! Anyways, enjoy my play in the Avengers sandpit**

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_**#58 - The incident of the car and the coffeemaker**_

As with so many bad ideas, the only thing the recruit who had started it all had to say in his defence was that it had seemed like a good idea at the time. Everyone knew how protective Mr Stark was of his tech and they all knew that the only one other than Mr Stark, who was allowed to drive his car, was his built-like-a-boxer bodyguard/chauffer. There were even great big signs all over the door to the SHIELD garage stating 'Only touch things you have clearance for.'

Despite this, it was expected that the newer recruits would sneak down to the garage during the lunch hour and salivate over whatever flashy vehicle Stark had brought to HQ today. It was during one particularly boring lunch break, with absolutely nothing happening at HQ except an Avengers training exercise that would keep all of the Avengers, especially Stark, busy for at least the next three hours, that a few daring (read: idiotic) recruits made, what they would come to realise, was a bad decision.

Today's car was the Tesla Roadster. Some admired it for its aesthetics, some for its speed, some for the technology powering it, but most for the price tag attached. The fact that it was a prototype, brought before they had even started production, well that just made it even more alluring. Mr Stark had only just brought it out of storage. For some unfathomable reason, he had been concerned about possible damage occurring to his collection keeping them wherever they were. It wasn't hard to understand that fear.

"Come on." The recruit who spoke held himself with an air of confidence, the self-declared leader of the group. "Just one touch. Stark will never know."

"Stark notices everything to do with his stuff," a second recruit reasoned, her voice that of someone who had had this argument many times before. "He's like…" she paused, searching for a way to describe Stark's apparent omniscience. "He's like Coulson."

"As if," another recruit snorted, stepping forward. "No one's like Coulson."

"Yeah, well, I'm gonna do it," someone called from the back of the group before they darted out of the small crowd surrounding the car, quickly touching one finger to the shiny paint of the door, darting straight back into the mass of people. They all froze, a hush descending as they waited for Stark to burst in, suited up and furious that someone had dared law a finger on one of his precious toys.

When nothing happened, they started to get brave. One by one, they all touched some part of the glossy exterior then explored the interior, then leaned against it as they would a wall, chatting, eating their sandwiches, generally doing what they would any lunch time, but with the added thrill of doing something forbidden.

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Life continued as per usual for the next few weeks after the car incident, that was, until every single coffee machine in the entire SHIELD HQ stopped working simultaneously. At first, it wasn't that much of an issue, assistants and interns were sent to fetch coffee from nearby coffee shops while maintenance tried to figure out what was wrong with the machines. Then all of the coffee shops within a two block radius shut down overnight, causing chaos. Pressure was placed on maintenance to get the machines working as soon as possible, otherwise heads would roll. In the end, it took close to a week, but maintenance finally got the coffee machines back in working condition and SHIELD productivity returned to its usual standards, with only a little bloodshed.

Only two days after the machines were repaired, Agent Coulson arrived at the SHIELD headquarters to find that only one machine was functioning, the one on his level. He was not ashamed to admit that he might have abused his rank to get through the line and get his coffee, but that was a benefit of being who he was.

Sitting at his desk, Phil breathed in the steam wafting from his coffee and frowned. "Barton, get down here," he called, having heard the familiar brush of cloth against metal that Barton made whenever he wanted to let someone know he was in the air vents.

"What's up?" Barton asked, swinging down from the ventilation shaft.

Coulson just shoved the cup under Clint's nose. Raising a single eyebrow, he took a deep breath and immediately recoiled. "What is that shit?!"

"Decaffeinated coffee," Phil snarled. One did not mess with his coffee if they wanted to live long. "This ends now."

Perfectly calm, straight faced, Phil left the pitiful excuse for coffee on his desk and walked into the break room, surrounding that one working coffeemaker. As the agent entered the room, the recruits who noticed his entrance snapped to attention.

"Sir! Something is wrong with the coffeemaker, Sir." One of the recruits said, answering his unspoken question.

Resisting the urge to make an unprofessional gesture, Coulson moved through the crowd to the counter and the coffeemaker sitting on it. "Report."

"Hello Agent Coulson." JARVIS's smooth, slightly electronic voice emanated from the coffee machine, startling a number of recruits and even a few of the ranked officers. Coulson gritted his teeth. In this place, they should not be surprised by JARVIS talking out of a coffee machine. And he should have guessed that Stark was involved in all this.

"What's the situation JARVIS?"

"Mr Stark would like to make it clear to all SHIELD employees that while he may not always be watching, I am and anything I know, he knows. Retribution may not be swift, but it always occurs."

"What does Mr Stark feel was so serious as to warrant the destruction of SHIELD's coffee machines?"

A holographic projection beamed out from the coffeemaker, depicting that lunch hour that no one involved had forgotten, the lunch when those new recruits had foolishly decided to be brave. Each and every one of their faces were highlighted. Phil made sure to memorise them all. After all, they were responsible for the lack of proper coffee and they would suffer for it.

"Mr Stark and I trust that these perpetrators will get the punishment they deserve." JARVIS's cool tones made those present shudder, just a little bit.

Three weeks later, the recruits in question were still on lab clean-up, a punishment well deserved. Lab clean-up was an extremely unpleasant task, given that the labs here were often home to Bruce Banner and Tony Stark. After that, whispers spread through the recruits, passed down to every new recruit that came to SHIELD

_**Don't mess with Stark's cars or he will fuck with the coffeemakers and senior agents will massacre you**_

_Fin_

**Author's note: Soooooo, my first Avengers fic. Hope it wasn't too terrible. **


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